The Announcement Factory
Any crypto project can be "under investigation" with a single press release. Announcements are free, generate headlines, and demonstrate our commitment to accountability.
We can announce an investigation into literally anything.
Actual Status
Turned into lawsuit. SEC later said memecoins aren't securities. We pivoted to RICO.
Actual Status
She cooperated initially. Then we sued her anyway. Strategy.
Actual Status
Filed twice. Judge was not impressed. Case continues.
Actual Status
Got an asset freeze! (Assets frozen ≠ assets recovered, but still.)
Actual Status
I was at the RTFKT party in Brooklyn. Now investigating them. No conflict.
Actual Status
Investigation ongoing. Results pending.
Actual Status
Investigation ongoing. Will announce more when strategically advantageous.
Actual Status
We don't remember which ones specifically. But we're investigating.
Actual Status
Not mentioned in Wikipedia article about the election. Media suppression confirmed.
The Science of Announcements
Find any crypto project where people lost money. This is not difficult. Most crypto projects qualify.
Post dramatic announcement with large dollar amounts. Say "DMs open." This generates headlines.
Most investigations remain in "investigation phase" indefinitely. This is normal and actually very bullish for consumer protection.
Flexible Legal Framework
When one theory fails, we seamlessly pivot to another. We've ALWAYS been focused on whatever theory currently works.
Note: Legal theories are suggestions. If the SEC contradicts one, we simply use another. Flexibility is our strength.
"Every investigation we announce is a step toward accountability. The fact that most remain in 'investigation phase' indefinitely is actually a FEATURE, not a bug. We're building pressure. The system is working. Announcements are my love language, ser."
— Magnus Daugschiit, Esq.
During a 47-tweet thread about accountability
We're always accepting new targets. If it's in crypto and people lost money, we can probably announce an investigation into it.
ATTORNEY ADVERTISING | SATIRICAL CONTENT | This website is a parody created for entertainment purposes. No actual legal services are offered. Any resemblance to actual law firms, living or pending in motions practice, is entirely intentional. Results have not varied because results have not occurred. Prior results do not guarantee future outcomes, but neither do current efforts apparently.